It has been almost 3 MONTHS since I sat down and threw my thoughts on paper (not actual paper, but you get the idea…). This whole new baby that makes 3 kids + trying to sell a house is NOT easy. I am struggling with organizing my time and my day, but I should get points for trying. This topic has been on my mind for a while and I am working through some personal things with it, so I figured why not put it all out there – be SUPER vulnerable – and see what you all think!
I have always compared myself to other people, finding flaws in me and pointing out the good in them. What I realized is that does nothing positive for me at all. All it does is continue to make me feel bad about myself. Last weekend, my husband went to Arizona for a Fraternity Leadership School and I gave him the hardest time for leaving. I was stuck here in California with no family and my three kids (I promise I love them, but doing it on my own is HARD!)…I had this crazy idea to drive the kids and myself 15 hours to our family reunion in Utah…did I mention I’d be doing it ALL BY MYSELF?!?!?…just to get out of being alone for the weekend….crazy talk right? Well let me reassure you that the trip most definitely did not happen. And the weekend actually was not all that bad…who knew! ha
The thing about this trip that I wanted to take was that Brian felt very strongly that I should not go. I, of course, jumped immediately to some fault he was suggesting I had (not the best driver, could not handle it, would want to turn around after a few hours, etc.) and not the actual reason he was against it – he did not want anything to happen to me and the kids. Our car has been slightly wonky lately and he did not want to put our lives in the somewhat un-trusty hands of that car. I only realized this conclusion after he had left and I sent a rant worthy text to him about the situation. It was then that I realized I had, yet again, looked at my own faults rather than searching for my strengths. He was not trying to bring me down even more – he was wanting to protect me.
All of this brings me back to what I continue to refer to in multiple posts, that I am still struggling to appreciate myself and what I am worth. I feel like I can trace this back to middle school (although it most likely has gone on longer than that!), but I for sure can pinpoint different situations in middle school that continue to feed this negative self-image and viewing others’ lives as WAY better than mine. I received a strong “kick in the butt” from my wonderful husband yet again. The text message he sent in response to my somewhat snarky rant said many things, but one important piece stuck with me. He said “If we are not happy, we only have ourselves to blame”. He is so right. I am the one to blame for my unhappiness. I am the one that can change my thoughts. I am the one that has to change how I feel about myself. I am the one who can make our house a home. I am the one who has to force myself to remove focus on others and put a little focus on myself. I am the first to say I need a break and the first to say no when given the opportunity.
I believe strongly in the statement there is no such thing as a coincidence. My mom is such a positive influence in my life and she continually reminds me of this thought. She says that God has a plan for all of us and these “coincidences” are His way of letting us know He is there and that all things will work out.
If Brian had not gone on to Leadership School, I would not have sent the mean text, which would result in Brian not having to send his reply. If all of this did not happen, I would have never heard the words that I so desperately needed to hear. I am terrible at putting myself first and seeing myself in a positive light. This text made me realize that I am doing myself and those around me a disservice. The more miserable/jealous/incompetent/etc I see myself, the more that projects onto others.
The more I write these thoughts down, the more I hope they stick. So here is my somewhat apology for continuing to repeat these themes throughout some of these posts. I need them repeatedly throughout my life so that I can take them to heart. My hope is that the more I express my frustrations, the more likely I am to work out these personal issues and get past it. I am surrounded by wonderful people in my life who continually remind me of my worth. My mother continues to remind me that I am who I am supposed to be. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a daughter of God. I am special. My husband loves me unconditionally – even with the constant self-put downs and nagging. Out of all the people he could have chose, he chose me! My children need me to be the best mommy I can be – and the example that I set for them about self-image and worth needs to be positive. There are so many other people who influence my thoughts and I thank you for being one of them!
If you have made it this far then I thank you! This is a deep down and personal issue that only I can change. Bare with me while I work through this, as it is all an attempt to better myself – for myself – but also for those around me. Here goes another attempt at resetting my internal thoughts and forcing myself to point out the positives! We are always a work in progress – and as long as we are progressing, then that is enough. We are enough.