In true Kallie fashion I am always late to the party. I always have an idea in my head about what I want to do or say, but my execution style is a little slow…ha. This time I’m blaming it on the fact that I have been sick for 3 weeks! It’s insane. I really think that mom’s should have some kind of immunity card on any kind of sickness. We don’t have time for it! But anyway, the post is here! Finally!
If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know that I chose Intention as my 2018 word. I love the meaning of this word: performing with a purpose, living in the moment, taking advantage of the time we have, being strategic…I could go on, but you get the point. Living with intention might be the hardest thing for me to do. I feel so overwhelmed with everything going on in life and I feel like my head spins constantly with the amount of “things” I need to accomplish each day.
The pictures above are some of my new favorites, snapped really quick before church a few weeks ago. I love seeing my kids smiling and happy. I love seeing their genuine happiness and glow. It makes me stop and think about what kind of mother I am and how much better I can be. I want them to know what it is like to be loved unconditionally, to be able to take risks and know that they can learn. I want them to reach for their dreams, and be comfortable doing whatever gives them purpose and helps them feel fulfilled! I want them to know how much I love them and want them to succeed. I want them to know I am a support and someone they can lean on.
These are all things I want for them, but in order to be that kind of person, mother and friend, I have to be an example first! I have to show them how to chase their dreams, how dreams don’t just happen- they are achieved with hard work, perseverance and dedication (and also some hardships along the way).
For the past 2.5 years I have been a stay at home mom. I cannot say I have loved every second of it, but I am glad that I have this opportunity to be the first person they say when they wake in the morning and the last person they see when they go to bed. I get to see all their firsts, I get to sit and play with them- and read the same books over and over again ;). I get to help them learn and grow in a safe environment. When Brian and I made the decision for me to stay home, I gave up a great career. One that I loved. It was a tough decision, but with a new baby at home and a cross-country move ahead, it only made sense for me to stay home and help with the adjustment.
Along this SAHM path, I have learned a lot about myself (and my kids!), but I think the hardest thing for me is the lack of fulfillment I am experiencing. I have tried to fill this void by picking up side businesses, only to not feel successful and endure even more feelings of inadequacy. Brian has always been supportive of whatever choice I make about my life i.e. whether to stay home or go back to work. Earlier this year we were having a discussion about what I really want- did I see myself staying home forever, or is there a desire to go back to work. For the first time, I was completely honest with myself and with him- I said I want to get back into work as a therapist. As soon as I said it, mom-guilt rushed over me. It was like a naughty word- I want to go back to work. I felt like I let my kids down the moment the words slipped out.
A few days later, after multiple thoughts ran through my head about ‘could I do it’ and ‘what about the kids’, I sat quietly with these thoughts during naptime- after another long morning, where ‘mean mommy’ was ever present. And I told myself STOP! I thought back to how I felt when I was working, how happy it made me, how fulfilled I felt, and how much better a mother I was during that time in my life. I was happier, more productive, felt like I had purpose, played more with my kids, overall just a more fun person to be around. That is what I want my kids to see- the fun mom, the excited mom, the mom who spends the time she has with her kids doing quality activities instead of ‘just passing the time’.
I’m starting up a group on Facebook to help get me back into the social work frame of mind (it’s been 2.5 years since I set foot in a therapy room!). I have been out of the game a LONG time. I have lost my ‘therapy voice’ and I need some practice to shift my frame of mind. The first topic we are going to discuss and work through is self-care. Going back to work is my self-care. It will make me feel like I have purpose again (don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being a mom doesn’t give me purpose. I love my kids and am SO blessed to have been able to stay at home for this long. I feel that something is missing…and that something is leading to a lot of negative self-talk and low days).
I want my children to know that you do not have to follow the status quo. You can have your cake and eat it too! They need to know what it is like to feel fulfilled, to search for not only happiness, but fulfillment. They need to find something they are passionate about and do something with that passion. They need to know how to live a healthy and balanced life. They need to know how to take care of themselves, so they then can care for others. They need to know how to look at life and see the good, see those who support and love them. I want this person to be me!
Goodness, safety and love start in the home. And with that, it starts with parents who are in a good place. It starts with achievement and satisfaction. It starts with filling each other’s buckets and supporting each other. It starts with loving ourselves so we then can truly and genuinely love others. I am so excited for this new journey. I am scared, hesitant and anxious about diving back into social work. But all of these are good feelings to drive me to better myself.
Thanks for reading along and following in this journey. A friend mentioned to me that life has many seasons, do what fills your soul. They ebb and flow, always changing. So here I am working on living with intention, living in the present moment, and following that intuition we all have.
Wish me luck! ha